I told her that "you can't recreate a moment." This phrase had been on my mind for a while - the idea that specific moments in time cannot be recreated, that such snapshots of one's life cannot be relived. When I said this to her, I acknowledged that life's moments are unique and that people are always growing and changing. We were discussing the preceding weeks that we spent growing in friendship, and though these moments were fun, simple, and seemingly right, the moments we experienced were unique to the time they happened. So, when I told her that "you can't recreate a moment," I knew the moments of the last few weeks to now be past.
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I remember driving back from swimming at the river, the doors off of the jeep and the wind blowing all around. I was alone, but fulfilled, having just finished swimming with my buddies for hours on end. The speedometer may have been broken, but it didn't matter how fast I was going. I was exactly where I wanted to be.
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I sat backwards in my chair as Lonesome Dove played on the TV screen. Our Christmas was over, and the college bowl games had ceased. It was time to watch the greatest western of all time, with my dad falling asleep in the corner and my grandpa watching in-between his games of "Words with Friends." I started to fall asleep as the second part began to play, but I did my best to stay awake. I eventually capitulated, like I would every year.
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We would walk for what-felt-like hours behind the bleachers and through the crowds. We talked continuously as we weaved through the throngs of people wearing white and blue. I was too scared to admit it then, but I was only there for her. I couldn't care less about the football game - I was there to spend time with and get to know her. I learned about her, her aspirations, her interests, and her outlook on life as we walked and talked during those Friday night games many years ago.
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As we walked out of the subway station, I looked up and saw nothing but a picturesque city neighborhood and a Shake Shack. I followed my friend as we headed toward the apartment, where I would stay for the next several days. As I walked through the apartment's doors, I entered my friend's new world - one then-unknown to me.
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I walked out of the Hollywood Theater and could think of nothing but my desire to have Green Lantern's powers. My mom and grandma had just taken me to see the new movie, and it was the best movie I had ever seen. As we walked out into the bright sun, I felt nothing but love and hope that I would soon have that Power Ring on my hand.
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I entered my professor's office with a list of questions about the Book of Job and Old Testament theology. I was a new freshman still enamored with theological systems, while simultaneously struggling to mesh them with the world around me. My professor answered these questions in a way that left more questions than answers. I expected to leave with relatively clear understandings, but I left with the seeds of soon-to-be profound questions.
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The adrenaline rushed through my body as I took my eye off the scope and looked at my dad. His smile was even bigger than mine as we both watched the ten-point whitetail fall to the ground. I had hit a perfect shot, coached by the man who was sitting next to me. He made me wait for this deer, and it was worth it - especially to do this with him at my side.
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My name wasn't called for fifth through second place. I was so nervous that I was shaking, but as soon as I heard myself announced for first place, the nervousness immediately went away. I screamed "Yes[!]" as my friends circled around and congratulated me. My hard work had paid off.
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As I walked into the cramped library room, I was met by my new coach's smiling face. I had told myself that I was going to get myself out there, and I did just that. I was nervous, but he welcomed me immediately. He wasted no time in teaching me the ways of the HP calculator, not even giving me a chance to feel unwelcome on the team.
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I skipped class to eat lunch with my friends. They had first lunch every day, and I had second. I finally found a time that I could leave class and snag a seat on the bench at their table. It was one of my favorite lunches that year, and this was because they invited me to come eat with them.
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We had a hundred-dollar budget for the first semester of the program, and we didn't use a dime prior to the final week. At my request, our mentor bought our mentorship group a hundred dollars worth of Raising Cane's. My persuasion skills were on-point that night, and I'm so glad they were. We may have accidentally gotten water on the tenders as we ate them in the village hot tub, but that attributed to this unique way to end the semester (which also lacked drinks[!]).
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We met in the high school parking lot at 6AM and sped off to get some donuts at Krispy Kreme. It was almost an hour away, but my buddy could do it in 45. We were the first seniors there, and we each received our free dozen donuts with big smiles. We crashed my buddies' dad's house and ate them at his dining table, even giving him a few. We made it back to the school just in time for first period.
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I moved into my apartment, a recently renewed man. It was time to get my life on-track and realize who I needed and wanted to be - for myself, my family, and my God. I abandoned myself for a while, but neither my family nor my God ever did. It was time to give that same commitment to myself.
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No matter my potential desire(s) to once-again experience these moments in my life, I'll never be able to do so again. These moments are now in the past, and though not all their elements have been lost to time, the closest of their echoes can only be found in my memory. No matter one's desire for it to be otherwise, I know this to be true: you can't recreate a moment.